remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
