I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
