this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
