We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
