Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
you traded sex for a burrito?
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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