why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
