I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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