I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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