True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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