Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
