There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
