When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
