so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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