What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
