I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
