I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
