dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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