How'd it feel making her break her religion?
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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