I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
