now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Randomize
