she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
