I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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