i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize