did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
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