that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Randomize
