I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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