I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
