The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
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