guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
My breasts were aching with rage.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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