I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
