I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
