Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
