if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize