She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
