After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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