are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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