I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
