I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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