the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
