do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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