I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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