I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
