Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
