Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
