I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
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