No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize