You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
