Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
