i permit you to call me
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
