Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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