Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
