Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
