you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
