I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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