YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
