this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Randomize
