im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
