I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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