It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
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