so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
