so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
