i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
