Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
