Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
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