The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
