im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
As shirtless as possible
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
