lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
