life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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