I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
you made out with another girl for some wings
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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