Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Randomize
