I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
