if only i could text you this smell
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
