fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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