i robbed the continental breakfast last night
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
