Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
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