I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
