Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
