i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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