he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
ok first of all what the fuck
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
